h a r m o n y
since i could speak, i’ve been singing.
i would chant and dance around my living room in a diaper listening to a medley of shania twain, elvis presley, diana ross, and other unrelated artists my parents grew up listening to. my sisters and i all sing, too. i can remember as a 5 year old, my big sister giving me and my two other sisters starting pitches so we could harmonize to the abc’s.
from fourth grade until i graduated high school, i was in chorus, metamorphosing from a simple two part harmony up until i was singing the first soprano line in a 16 part masterpiece at the lincoln center in new york city. music is and has always been one of the biggest parts of my life: listening to it, reading it, writing it, singing it, playing it, performing it. however, this seemingly beautiful thing turned into something i obsessed over the last years of my high school career.
by no means was i a music genius or prodigy, but i felt like i had the most passion out of anyone else in my class. i was the girl in class who would roll her eyes at simple mistakes others made. i would rehearse with my sisters for hours to make sure i had the best rhythm, most accurate pitch, and the prettiest descant. i began to become bitter, impatient, unkind, and obsessed with sounding good versus singing out of the passion and love i had for it. i began to idolize the gift The Lord had so graciously given to me. singing had become an act, a performance, an aggressive need for perfection. my heart turned into one dissonant clash of compulsive anger. i began to resent my vocal abilities out of the fear of not sounding good enough. even during worship, the once sweet praises became plagued by lies that said God wouldn’t want to hear my imperfect voice.
coming on the race, i’ve overcome a lot of fears: fear of vulnerability, of rejection, of not feeling qualified, and even of cockroaches. however, it felt like the fear of singing anything or playing instruments in front of others felt like an impossible task to overcome. that was until i got to peru.
living in a desert compound in the middle of a garbage dump (not a metaphor, a literal garbage dump) gave me a lot of time to think and ask The Lord why i was so terrified to sing in front of others. He very simply and very kindly reminded me that this gift was from him, and was to be used for His glory and not my own.
wow… humbling.
out of obedience, i slowly began to sing in front of others, and it was a feeling unlike any other. i felt an actual physical change in my body; i felt a loosening in my lungs, a relaxation in my shoulders, and a freedom in the notes that left my mouth. for the first time since being in chorus, i didn’t worry about my diaphragm being filled or my soft palate being raised or my vowels being perfect or a n y t h i n g, i just delighted in these simple words i frequently sang,
“mighty waves are crashing in,
grace upon grace has left me in the tide of your great love,
you wash my mind with mighty grace”.
(might grace by john mark pantana)
and boy was my mind washed with His might grace for me. year after year i had chosen to let my emotions reign over truth and freedom, and the Lord was faithful to forgive and redeem me when i surrendered my wants and humbled myself to Him.
living in guatemala, i was further shoved out of my comfort zone by my beautifully gifted friend named julia, who is not only our worship coordinator, but an incredibly humble sister who pushed me to grow, and grow i did. i began to love singing again, and i no longer cared about how i sounded. before the race, i thought the most glorious thing i could to in life would be to go to julliard and study vocal performance. now, i’m not in school, i’m 8,702.92 miles from new york city, and i couldn’t imagine a more abundant life.
i used of think of harmony as the entangling of complementary notes. however, i realize it’s so much more than that. harmony is coming into alignment with another thing to gain peace. it’s submitting to the melody of The Father and responding in the praises of freedom. it’s utilizing the various and unique gifts within the Church to benefit one another. it’s seeing the beauty in the vastness of how incredibly and individually gifted we all are, while recognizing that we’re simultaneously all created in His image.
this is my redemption story- one of them. this is my never ending crescendo of freedom. this is grace upon grace. and this is for you too.
“for freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”
galatians 5:1
love,
kori
